Have you ever gotten to the end of the day and thought, “Why am I so tired? All I really did is send and receive emails.” There is a reason for this that most people don’t recognize. It has to do with what is called asynchronous communication.
Synchronous communication happens real time. Having a face-to-face conversation or talking on the phone are the most common examples of this. But asynchronous communication is sending a message via email, text, social media or some other platform. Then you wait for the other person to respond.
Asynchronous communication has always been around. Think of voice mail or sending a letter. But in leaving a message, we knew that we were not going to get an immediate response and that was okay because the issue wasn’t urgent. Or maybe it was just a note to catch up and say, “How ya doin’?”
With our migration to digital communication, however, all of this has changed. This technology was sold as a convenience. You can connect with anybody at any time. But that also turned the control over the receiver as to whether they communicate back and at what time. Even if we don’t include spam and other unwanted messages in this equation, we can still be managing endless incomplete communications. The key word here is “incomplete.” Some people argue that it is so much easier to communicate with others now since you don’t have to call them, try to find them in the office or maybe wait to connect with them at a meeting you both attend. All you have to do is type a few words and press send. Then it’s off your plate.
But what if you need a response in order to move forward on a project, resolve an issue, or make a decision? If they are busy or their urgency is not yours, you might go hours, days, weeks, even months without getting an answer. That’s where the terms “going dark” and “ghosting” have come from. Meanwhile, your head gets full of incomplete communications that consume your attention whenever something makes you think of the issue.
When they don’t respond in what you think is a timely way, it adds to your stress. “You might think things like, “Are they avoiding me? Why can’t they be more organized? Why are they being so irresponsible?” Maybe they’re not. But in absence of a response, our mind tends to assume the worst. When they do respond, you can end scrambling to remember what your initial communication was about. That can be another source of stress.
If you have a bunch of these issues operating in the background, it adds to what has been called “ambient stress.” Is it any wonder we can feel constantly fatigued? It’s all those incomplete communications weighing us down. The shift to remote and hybrid work for many over the past few years has made all of this even worse.
So, what to do? Here are five ideas that will help you reduce the sense of overwhelm around this issue.
First, send complete thoughts. The more complete the initial message you send, the less the receiver has to think. Are you writing the message in a way that the reader will understand it immediately? Are you providing enough detail? Are you offering options or being specific about the decision you need? Let’s face it, we all skim too much these days. The easier it is for them to understand what you need or what you’re communicating, the easier it is for them to respond.
Second consider who you are dealing with. Think about all the people you interact with. Chances are, they fall into different categories when it comes to communication. I have a colleague named Laura who is one of busiest people I know. Yet she responds to my messages in such a timely way, I wonder how she does it. On the other hand, I have another colleague named Bill who seems to have no sense of urgency. When I message him, I assume that his response might take days. In both of these cases, and every one in between, the messages I send and the urgency I attach is part of this equation. As the old saying goes, “If you want something done, ask a busy person.”
Third, park the communication. This part of what has been labeled the Zeigarnik Effect after the psychologist who discovered the phenomenon. If you write an incomplete issue down, the brain will release it from your attention. In this case, keep a list of the incomplete issues for which you are awaiting responses. Then when someone does respond, you can cross it off the list. If you send another message asking for clarification, add it back onto the list and so on.
Fourth, be part of the solution. Laura, whom I mentioned before, inspires me to be responsible in the way I communicate. If you send me a text, I’ll get back to you most times within 15 minutes. An email? Always within 24 hours, most times much faster unless I have to do some research. Even then, I’ll tell you that, so you know the issue has my attention.
Fifth, express appreciation to those who respond in a timely way. Sadly, there are so few people who respond in a timely way, they should be praised for doing so. Just a simple “thanks” is enough. It validates their efforts. I always love it when someone compliments me on my timely communication. You can brighten anyone’s day just by doing so.
So, what do you think of these ideas? Will they help? Are they doable? All they really require is presence of mind. Let me know what you think in the comments below.