I was attending the meeting of a client organization. The leader obviously imagined himself as the life of any party. He commented on pretty much on everything that everyone said, including me. These weren’t constructive comments. Just little editorials, mostly meant to be amusing. I found it irritating. But he was my client, so best to stay quiet and observe. Looking around the room, however, it was clear that my irritation was shared by others. A few tittered when he made these comments. Others remained stone-faced, waiting for this exercise in insensitivity to be over.
Ever been there? What went through your mind when the person in charge behaved like this? My colleague, Karyn Buxman, captured this sentiment in one of her posts recently. She simply asked, “Are your words feathers or bricks? In other words, does what you say lift the conversation up or drag it down?
This is especially true for senior leaders. Being a keen observer of those leading organizations for more than three decades, I am continually fascinated, and troubled many times, by how they express themselves in both meetings and public statements.
Senior leaders are interesting bunch. Some leaders seem to lack the emotional intelligence to understand the impact they can have on those around them, even with an off-hand comment in these trying times. A sarcastic remark, they think is funny, can turn a room against them in a heartbeat.
Others have worked their way up over time and received the mentoring and training to understand the power of their words. Sure, they’ve made their mistakes and put their foot in their mouth. But they have learned to reflect on the impact of what they say in every environment. I’ve noticed they typically speak more deliberately, ask more questions, and rarely criticize in public. When asked to comment, most times they demur, waiting for those around them to contribute their thoughts first. As a result, people respect them and take to heart what they say when they do choose to share. Do they make the occasional amusing comment? Sure, but they make sure the sentiment is shared by everyone else in the room.
I’ll be the first to admit that I have to work at this sometimes, especially when the topic being discussed is something of great interest to me. But that extra effort has paid off more than once when I’ve watched the discussion take an unexpected turn. I always try to be the last one to speak, even when I’m not running the meeting. I am also wary of making glib comments, since I tend to look for the humor in most every situation. Maybe that comes with making lots of presentations.
We are all tempted, at times, to contribute when we really shouldn’t. The most effective leaders are masters at controlling that impulse.
By the way, after sitting in on this meeting, I decided to withdraw from the engagement. I could have used the revenue and could have helped the organization. But the heartburn would have been more trouble than it was worth. Sometimes, life’s too short.
Have you been there? Let me know in the comments below. How did you deal with the leader who words were landing like bricks?