I have a colleague I’ve known for more than forty years. I wish I could identify her. But that would violate the principle of what I am about to explain. I’ll call her Carolyn. Carolyn began as a front-line professional in the early 1980s and is now a senior leader within the organization she serves. And yet even with the considerable responsibility she carries, she has always made time for those who wish to share their personal and professional concerns.
They discreetly slip into her office for a few minutes, connect with her in a Zoom chat, or find another way to visit with her without the world observing. Why? Because they know that everything mentioned during these encounters will be kept in strict confidence. She is what might be called a “safe harbor.” Doing this is not part of her job. I would call it more of her calling. She’s never offered this service to anyone. People seek her out because they believe they can trust her to be completely discreet and nonjudgmental.
One of the challenges of the past three years has been the dearth of opportunities to connect with others in real time. Prior to the pandemic, you could catch someone in the hallway, pop into their office, catch them in the break room, or chat after the meeting broke up. Our new way communicating asynchronously may be more efficient. But it discourages the chance encounters where relationships and trust develop.
The result of this is a sense of loneliness and worse for many, especially those who are struggling to navigate some challenge at work or home. Loneliness is a significant contributor to the feelings of burnout that millions are feeling throughout the workplace.
Perhaps this is you or has been you at one point. With so much of our communication now recorded via email, text, or other applications, it’s easy to fear that our secrets will become public at one point or another. As a result, we don’t develop the trusting relationships with one or maybe two people who can serve as sounding boards and help us think things through.
So, how do you develop a “safe harbor” relationship at work? Discretion is the key along with taking a bit of a chance at first and seeing what happens. Here are a few ideas:
First, think about the people for whom you have a natural affinity. Anywhere you’ve worked, you’ve been drawn to one or more people with whom you just “connect.” You enjoy their energy. They enjoy yours. Maybe you have a similar interest or two. When you think of friends in the workplace, they are the first people who come to mind. You might had shared a couple of confidences with them and they with you. If this is the case, consider yourself blessed. In these times of remote work and asynchronous communication, the opportunities to make these connections don’t come naturally due to the absence of in-person work.
Second, consider those you respect around the workplace. You trust their word. They are approachable. They listen and, at the same time, express their opinions in a respectful manner. You may know them in passing. They maybe someone with whom you interact regularly. They may be a colleague or perhaps a leader, but their title is not really a consideration. Even in the most toxic of work environments, there are still those who fit this description.
Third, Test the waters. This might be in passing, at the end of an in-person meeting, grabbing them at the end of a Zoom or Teams call, maybe sending them a text or email that reads, “Hey, when you have a minute, I’d like to run something past you.” If they don’t respond or brush you off, you have an answer. If they engage, then follow through and take the next step.
Be careful not to overshare, however. When you’ve been dealing with some raw emotions or caught up in the worries that come from dealing with personal and professional challenges, it can be tempting to describe in great detail what you’re going through when you connect with someone willing to listen. This may dissuade them from engaging. Share a little bit a time and see how they react. Do they seem to display the characteristics of someone who can be trusted and is genuinely interested in you and your well-being?
Fourth, don’t feel judged if they disengage. What can begin as a promising relationship can devolve for any number of reasons. The other person may be feeling a bit overwhelmed themselves. They may have second thoughts after you have shared a bit of your struggle. They may feel uncomfortable giving advice. None of this is about you.
Understand that safe harbor relationships evolve. Just liking mentors, chances are you will journey through a number of these encounters throughout your career. People leave the organization. You grow out of relationships. Trust erodes for one reason or another. In general, stuff happens. Be careful about growing dependent on someone you consider a safe harbor. Keep your eyes out for others who might fill that role over time.
Finally, remember that you’re not trying to build a team or mastermind. That’s a topic for another post. You’re just connecting with someone with whom you can share your challenge and receive some support. I’ve have learned over time that most people have the ability to resolve most challenges themselves if they have someone who will simply listen and as they talk these challenges through. That person is your safe harbor.