So, do you know what it is? It’s worrying about other people think? Are you guilty of this? I sure am, at times. Want to fix it? Stay tuned. But first, let’s talk about why it happens because that’s part of the solution.
In many ways we can’t help it. Jack Canfield, co-author of the mega-hit Chicken Soup for the Soul series, used to ask the groups he spoke to, “Have you ever compared yourself to someone else and come out exactly even? The answer, of course, is no. We always feel like we’re better than someone else or they are better than us. The criteria for these comparisons vary widely and are emotionally based, 99% of the time. These perceptions are the result of our limited understanding of the other person’s personality, their background, and THEIR perception of their own self-worth.
The quiet colleague, who rarely participates in team discussions may be one of the most competent people you know. The person who needs to fill any silence with conversation may be seeking the validation of others. The bossy, control-oriented colleague who wants to run everything, may be one of the most insecure people you’ve ever met. And all of these people, and a number of others could be on your team and in your workplace.
Where do you fit in to all this and how much time and energy do you spend trying to navigate these personalities and politics? Do you feel exhausted just sitting through a meeting sometimes with a collection of people like this? That’s the reason why.
This has been compounded by the digital world we now exist in, where a slightly misinterpreted text, post, or email, can be the cause of angst, frustration, anger, or perhaps laughter at the absurdity of what someone is trying to express in text when picking up the phone would be so much more efficient and effective. It’s enough to drive anyone nuts.
So, how do you stop worrying about what other people think? Truth is, you don’t. But you can reduce its impact on your emotions and energy. How?
First, take a step back and consider the context. Do you really want to get into a disagreement over whether to have peanuts or potato chips at the company gathering? Negative energy begets negative energy. But if you don’t react to the other person’s anger, frustration or petty comments, their energy will evaporate and the conversation will become civil. If it doesn’t, walk away, regardless of the situation.
Second, have some empathy. It’s been said that every person has a public life, a private life and a secret life. Unless we’re really good friends with someone, we only get to see their public life and they only get to see ours. But as Henry Wadsworth Longfellow observed so long ago, into every life, some rain must fall. The fact that someone is lashing out at you may mean that they are struggling elsewhere in their life. The fact that they try to control everything around them may mean that work is the only place where they feel like they have control. When someone lashes out at me, I take a take a breath and let the energy dissipate. I don’t take it personally. I just figure something else is going on.
If they want to control everything, I yield. Besides, trying to control every little thing will exhaust them over time. But better them than me. Now, that doesn’t mean I don’t care. If a project is going off the rails or in a less-than-wise direction, I will step in if I know, or at least believe, I have a better solution.
Third, do the right thing. We see this sentiment on bumper stickers, billboards and coffee mugs. But how many of us really do so? Acting in a selfish, manipulative or every deceitful way not only comes back to bite you, it is a major drain on your mental energy as you struggle to maintain appearances to keep the lie going. I have never seen a person I admire do something like this, even when it would be the most expedient thing to do in the moment.
Finally, act like a duck. Let stuff roll off your back, whatever that stuff may be. Someone’s offhand comment may rile you up. Another person’s humor at your expense may hurt momentarily. But don’t stew about these things. Whether they’re innocent or insensitive, the person saying these things won’t remember doing so ten minutes later. Spending time processing them will only intensify your feelings, and that’s a complete waste of time, energy and focus.
Observe the best thinkers around you. They treat stuff like that like water off a duck’s back. Remember, keep looking for ways to reduce the number of daily decisions you make.
What do you do the manage the worries you have about what others think? We’d all like to know. Put them in the comments below and make sure to subscribe to this channel for more practical ideas just like these. I’m Bob Wendover.